SnippetsGet off your high horse.Look around.Maybe you will see.That I'm not you.Little snippets of knowledge.Always dangerous.You make assumptions.Believing you understand.But you don'tYou have no idea.Never asking.Refusing to listen.How much have I suffered.The sacrifices I have made.Working quietly.Behind the scenes.Completely alone.To protect the vulnerable.Those I love.Those I hate.Those I have never met.And never will.Stoically facing dangers.Keeping my secrets.Carefully planning.Biding my time.Ridiculed, criticized, abandoned.I silently endured it all.Simply because I had to.So go ahead.Judge me.Call me selfish.I know the truth.
Just WordsIt is so hard.To give a gift.That cannot be opened.That has no substance.It can't even be felt.The gift of a concept.Just words.That can't be said.
InterventionYou've never been happy.With my honesty and openness.I took off the mask.It made you vulnerable too.Everyone could see yours.But you still wore it.We were the only ones who believed.I see through it now.Do you yet?You will be the last.I know from experience.You can't hide from yourself forever.I won't let you.Like it or not.I will fulfill my obligation.You did the same for me.It was the silence.Your mask showed me.The sudden epiphany.I will never forget that moment.In the end, the same result.I was desperate to prevent.It affected you too.We both agreed with that.What was I supposed to do?Always an open invitation.But you wouldn't participate.Angry you weren't consulted.I did the best I could on my own.You never agreed with my method.And refused to help.Somehow deceiving yourself.That you were active, supportive.The truth was constant criticism.You had more awareness.My brain is broken.I struggled to rememberHow was I supposed to know what 'normal'
A LetterI have a question.But you can't respond.I tied you up.I silenced you.But you understand.I had to.I want an answer.But I won't get it.I made the choice.I will stick by it.But I have to ask.I need to.I need an answer.But I doubt I'll get it.I turned around.I walked away.But maybe you will see.I never left.Maybe you will hear me.Maybe you will answer.I can hear your screams.I can hear your pleas.Do you remember my letter?The words I couldn't say.Did it strike a chord?I think I missed it.Like so many other things.For that I'm sorry.Do you remember that letter?You said you understood.Did I find your wound?I couldn't see it.Wrapped in my own torment.For that I am sorry.Do you remember the letter?My shame on paper.Did it spark a memory?Something you had hidden.I didn't find it.For that I am sorry.Do you remember that letter?Please tell me.Did I finally find it?If that's the reason.It would all make sense.For that I am hopeful.I still get flooded.
Interpersonal EffectivenessThe first test.Epic fail.Sad Face.The same pattern.Nothing changed.I didn't change.Was I consulted?Nope.Was I considered?Nope.Did I express myself?Nope.Did I assert myself?Nope.Are my requests being heard?Nope.Are my needs being met?Nope.What did I do?I gave in.Tricking myself.Believing I was 'compromising'.So I agreed.I'm going along.Put their wants first.Ignored my needs.Let them take over.Gave up autonomy.Under the beliefs.Instilled in childhood.The grain of truth.Handed down through generations.Exaggerated by my brain.Expectations of reciprocation.Which have yet to bear fruit.Anecdotal evidence.Of the falsehood.I still follow.And how do I feel now?Same as usual.Like shit.AngryResentfulFrustratedInvalidatedManipulatedControlledDiscouragedUndeservingUnimportantHopelessWorthlessHelplessStupidAnd of course guilty.It sounded so easy.Like everything else.But beyond impossible.
Paradigm ShiftOur conversation last night.As much for you as for me.A good reminder to myself.When I feel like a failure.Verbally attacking myself.What is the concept of success?Who gets to judge?And why the hell do they get too?The truth is only you can.You know the challenges you face.What you have had to overcome.We both have been to hell and back.And then just for fun,We did it again.So here we are.Comparing ourselves to our peers.But they aren't truly our equals.Their perceived "successes" are their own.They have had their own challenges.And different resources and supports.Our outside environment affects us.And we know life isn't always kind.But it doesn't define us.Ignore our issues and then yes.Your conclusion is correct.But look again.You can't throw away data for the hell of it.Nor can you make assumptions.Pretending they are truths.Therefore your result is faulty.Bad math, bad science, you know that.Go back to the beginning.Examine all the data.Use the pro
A Glass of Ice PleaseWell.Another day, another battle.It all seems so simple.Some days it's easy.I wonder why I struggle.Then other days it's impossible.I see the world go around me.But I can't join in.I want to, I try to.But everything is going so fast.My mind just stops.Except it hasn't.1000 thoughts flooding my brain.I can't process anything.Completely incoherent.This little girl.Sitting on a couch sipping a latte.Listening to music, typing.Calm, collected.The perfect picture of serenity.You'd never guess.She is only still because she can't move.Her body refusing to cooperate.Barely aware of her surroundings.Slipping in and out of herself.Suffering an onslaught of thoughts.Half formed, too many to make sense of.None lasting longer then a fraction of a second.Grasping at one partial thought.Trying to keep hold it.Waiting for the next part to come around.Piecing it together.Losing the first half.Sifting through to find it again.Distractions, focus, spinning.Where am I?I
LabelsI embrace my labels.It's just a name.They can call me an emu for all I care.As long as I can harness their knowledge.If they need a label to teach me, I will wear it.My only desire is to learn.I will do whatever I have too.I don't know why you said I hide behind them.I've never have, you must be confused.I used them, and still do, to educate myself.Endless google searches.Books and books and books.Countless conversations.The label simply provides a direction.If anyone hid behind them it was you.And no one was quicker to label than you.Though yours were rather useless.And just plain wrong and destructive.They weren't empowering, they were defeatist.In fact, your labels have always been judgments.Holding absolutely no information.What does it mean to be ______?In comparison to what?Are there consequences?Is it simply preference?How is the label useful?Challenge yourself.Catch your judgments.Explain what you mean.Is it accurate?Play the devil's advocate.Coun
I'm Only MyselfWho am I?A dichotomy.Proud and humble.Fearless and terrified.Strong and weak.Neither here nor there.Everywhere and nowhere.Hidden but on display.I am me and I am everyone.A face without a face.A voice for the voiceless.Who am I?I am you.Yet, I'm only myself.